为什么要把我生下来？
我为了这个家一辈子都留在这里了 说实话没有我大家就没那么安稳
但是我连一个随便打打电话关心关心的都不如啊
我永远都别说错话不然就被冷暴力
她儿子哪怕怎样对他都好都没事
我是犯了什么滔天大罪了吗？要这么的精神折磨我。
Sunday, April 06, 2025
Saturday, April 05, 2025
为什么我还活着？
2025年了为什么我还活着？
一个完全失去动力的人到底是靠什么意志活下去的
说实话真的只有为了我的父母
而且我连死的勇气都没有
我真的觉得自己很失败
最近看了《苦尽柑来遇见你》这部电视剧
感觉很多生活点滴都很写实
唯一不同的是我不是金明，我没有那么温和的爸妈
爸爸是典型的钢铁直男，其实真的不好相处因为他唠叨又好胜
谁都别想讲的过他，其实真的很烦
想象对着一个基本没有理的人但还是他说他有理，无论你怎么努力你都说不过他
他就是死不认输的那么人，我不喜欢他，但我被逼爱他，命运所逼
妈妈也不是好到哪里去，脾气来什么伤人的话都会对着我来
因为我就只那个唯一留在身边的孩子，所以活该我承受这一切
其实她最疼的是她儿子，她也不认
无论她儿子怎么顶撞她怎么对她都好像无所谓
我呢？哪怕做了说了错一点的事都得承受一切的心里压力，我也不喜欢她，但也不得不爱她，命运如此
我认命只想找个树洞发泄发泄
我好像听过那么一句话：-
其实大部分活着人都获得没有意义的
好悲伤的一句话呀，真的很悲伤
让我觉得更悲伤的是，我就是那个大部分人之一
哎，怎么那么不幸
对不起，还有很多比我不幸，我虽然没资格说自己不幸但是在我的世界里还是请允许我那么想吧。
我希望我没有来到这个世界 又或许 我可以不是我
我真的很讨厌我 所以也不要求别人爱我
可是要怎么爱自己？我感觉我已经失去爱的能力
我唯一的愿望就是尽快离开人世
来世不想当人了，真的很累！
Monday, September 26, 2022
闺蜜
我感觉我已失去了活下去的动力
即便如此我依然很努力的活下去，为了家人
我最近已陷入颓废的状态
除了平时工作其他的时间我什么都不想做
以前的我常常来这里发泄可我不知道何时开始连写都懒得写
又或许因为写了没人看所以不想写
感觉这世界上没人真正了解我
就算认识了快30年的朋友也不例外
说到好朋友，原以为是闺蜜但也只不过是路人甲
我也何曾不是？又怎能怪别人
我知道我已经没有对人掏心掏肺的热情
除了我爸妈和狗狗，我根本就不想理会任何人
朋友呢？ 也是有好几个但可能就称不上是闺蜜
即便如此我依然很努力的活下去，为了家人
我最近已陷入颓废的状态
除了平时工作其他的时间我什么都不想做
以前的我常常来这里发泄可我不知道何时开始连写都懒得写
又或许因为写了没人看所以不想写
感觉这世界上没人真正了解我
就算认识了快30年的朋友也不例外
说到好朋友，原以为是闺蜜但也只不过是路人甲
我也何曾不是？又怎能怪别人
我知道我已经没有对人掏心掏肺的热情
除了我爸妈和狗狗，我根本就不想理会任何人
朋友呢？ 也是有好几个但可能就称不上是闺蜜
查了一下维基：
- 闺中密友，女性的同性密友，简作闺密，中国用语，并常写做闺蜜，又称手帕交，系彼此具有亲密行为但并非相恋者。在中国大陆地区，闺蜜为闺密的刻意讹误，蕴含着“甜蜜”之意
那我理解没错，我没有闺蜜
也许如果有闺蜜，那可能我就不用那么孤单？
我感觉我好像又进入喃喃自语的模式难怪没人听我说话也没人看我的文章
因为我说的东西除了抱怨也就是抱怨
没有性格没有重点就是我的性格和重点
这连苍蝇都吸引不了何况是蝴蝶
Sunday, June 12, 2022
帮我解脱吧！
我感觉我快要喘不过起来了
两颗巨石快把我压垮了
为什么？为什么我还活着？
我找不到活着的意义，这辈子我只为了别人而活
他们都说总得有一个人留下来
我也不问为什么了，就算我这辈子倒霉好了
我真的很累，我想休息。
我想拥有自己的人生不想有任何的牵绊。
神啊，我从来都不相信你能解救我
但如果你真的存在，求您帮我解脱吧！
Friday, November 26, 2021
好与坏
什么是好？什么是坏？
学习好就是好人？学渣就成了社会败类？
也许我没有孩子我不懂得要怎么教育孩子
但我曾经也是个孩子，你也曾经叛逆过
孩子的人生应该由他自己去走，至于要怎么走结果如何那也是他的人生
因为毕竟你不是陪他走到终点的人
你认为对孩子好的人事物不一定是他想要的
如果你不懂孩子想什么，就想想16岁的自己
想想16岁的自己在做什么
我也不知道自己幸还是不幸
因为我从小到达都没有自我
我的人生就奉献给了家人 所以我也很想要过一下那种年少无知的生活
我的人生应该由我主宰 但我...
Monday, October 08, 2018
boom doom chapter 1
early 80s, kuala lumpur, malaysia.
giving the last kisses and goodbyes to her big kids, jen stepped out from the house pulling her neatly packed luggage. leaving almost no trails behind. "this is it", she mumbled.
she recalled how she met their father 20 years ago she thought he was the right person that she was searching for. they got married when she was 16 and they got their first little girl. zen resembles her in a lot of way especially their big round eyes and button nose. he was a smart and hardworking guy working day and night to give them a better life but things slowly changed when his career spiked rapidly. he established his own company at the age of 30 when their second baby was born.
the more money he made the less he came home. he started to attend a lot of events and gatherings with his partners and clients, mostly drinking and gambling events where he met a lot of younger women. he often came home drunken leaving all the mess behind for her to clean. he would beat her when he got sober the next day for a small argument about yesterday.
being through all these hardest days of her life, she still believed and hoped that her husband would return to the man he used to be but the situation had only gotten worse. he gambled every day in every way he could have imagined. on days he won the bet, he would buy good foods and pay her more allowance. he would give their kids the most pretty toys and watches. on the other hand, he would come home and beat jen and begged for the money he gave her when he lost every single penny he had.
one afternoon, he came home silently tip-toed into the baby room. he carried their 3rd little baby daughter who was only 7 months old to one of their neighbors in return of cash. only did she know what had happened when she realized her baby was missing but it was too late. he accepted the money and used it to pay-off his gambling debts. jen has tried every way she could think of to bring back her baby but to no avail. she visited her baby a few times but was soon her present was rejected by the new family thinking that it would the best that all strings attached were cut off. she reluctantly left with a broken heart and accepted the fact that there were no ways to meet her baby anymore. nothing is worst than a broken-hearted mother. to her relief, her daughter's new father made a good fortune. jen was sure that she would be better off with the new family than staying in a hopeless family that she was trying to build.
she felt sorry for herself but even sorrier for her kids, they were the only reason that kept her strong and but she could not take it anymore when she knew he had an affair with a woman who worked in a pub he always goes to. all these years, she never know that they had a 10 years old son. this left her no choice but to divorce this cold-hearted man.
she took the first bus before sunrise to leave the city she had lived in for more than three decades, she sobbed a little. when the wind traveled through the window beside her seat hit her face and dried up her tears, she knew she was leaving for good. at least, it was what she thought at the that moment.
her youngest son was 15 when she left.
giving the last kisses and goodbyes to her big kids, jen stepped out from the house pulling her neatly packed luggage. leaving almost no trails behind. "this is it", she mumbled.
she recalled how she met their father 20 years ago she thought he was the right person that she was searching for. they got married when she was 16 and they got their first little girl. zen resembles her in a lot of way especially their big round eyes and button nose. he was a smart and hardworking guy working day and night to give them a better life but things slowly changed when his career spiked rapidly. he established his own company at the age of 30 when their second baby was born.
the more money he made the less he came home. he started to attend a lot of events and gatherings with his partners and clients, mostly drinking and gambling events where he met a lot of younger women. he often came home drunken leaving all the mess behind for her to clean. he would beat her when he got sober the next day for a small argument about yesterday.
being through all these hardest days of her life, she still believed and hoped that her husband would return to the man he used to be but the situation had only gotten worse. he gambled every day in every way he could have imagined. on days he won the bet, he would buy good foods and pay her more allowance. he would give their kids the most pretty toys and watches. on the other hand, he would come home and beat jen and begged for the money he gave her when he lost every single penny he had.
one afternoon, he came home silently tip-toed into the baby room. he carried their 3rd little baby daughter who was only 7 months old to one of their neighbors in return of cash. only did she know what had happened when she realized her baby was missing but it was too late. he accepted the money and used it to pay-off his gambling debts. jen has tried every way she could think of to bring back her baby but to no avail. she visited her baby a few times but was soon her present was rejected by the new family thinking that it would the best that all strings attached were cut off. she reluctantly left with a broken heart and accepted the fact that there were no ways to meet her baby anymore. nothing is worst than a broken-hearted mother. to her relief, her daughter's new father made a good fortune. jen was sure that she would be better off with the new family than staying in a hopeless family that she was trying to build.
she felt sorry for herself but even sorrier for her kids, they were the only reason that kept her strong and but she could not take it anymore when she knew he had an affair with a woman who worked in a pub he always goes to. all these years, she never know that they had a 10 years old son. this left her no choice but to divorce this cold-hearted man.
she took the first bus before sunrise to leave the city she had lived in for more than three decades, she sobbed a little. when the wind traveled through the window beside her seat hit her face and dried up her tears, she knew she was leaving for good. at least, it was what she thought at the that moment.
her youngest son was 15 when she left.
Friday, October 05, 2018
boom doom prologue
boom doom!
it's been ages since i blogged the last time, it was a biggest hit back then during my uni days. everybody was busy updating their blogs but now people are more into instagram, twitter, etc. i used to update a lot of status via my fb hoping that someone could at least care a little for me but i stopped it a while ago.
to start with a new beginning, i have deleted all the previous posts that i don't even remember what i posted seriously! nah.. mumbled too much i guess.
if i had stopped so long, why am i doing this again? oh.. tbh i'm just sorta bored and i tend to do that a lot.. being bored.. and being alone... it's kinda.. lifestyle i guess. people must be thinking that i'm lonely or what.. don't be silly! believe it or not, there are people like me who love being alone and not feeling lonely. i do feel lonely sometimes, when i'm not with my family. my family means my parents + my doggies.. i love them a lot. oh yea. i haven't introduced myself. i'm 30 and still single.. forever single 😃 you must be wondering, why is a 30 year old woman still sticking around with her parents and not living independently? you know, it's an asian culture, a lot of us do that. of course, for me i'm not following a culture or what.. simply because my mom, dad and dogs are all i care about now. this must be unusual for westerner.
oh gosh, i wish i could find a way to sharpen my language. i'm not usually good at english. my apologies if i did a lot of grammar mistakes and this write up seems to be lacking a lot of nice vocabulary. however, i do feel myself improved a lot compared to last time, i don't even dare to speak in front of everyone. i used to score poorly in primary and secondary school but i met a good lecturer in my pre-u. she's very passionate and a payer of compliments, no one ever compliments my english, she was the first. she encouraged me and made me more confident to be more outspoken but i didn't have the chance to thank her and i never met her again.. even worse, i'd forgotten her name. well, i will bring up another post to talk about how i learned and improved my languages.
i've been graduated for 8 years now, time flies. i halted my job seeking for half a year in the hope to continue my oversea study but somehow i was unable to go. this will be a new topic too. maybe i will update my story based on timeline ✌
anyways, i really wish to introduce more about myself and sharing more about my country malaysia. also, malaysian-chinese culture.. about my family and how we live together and our interactions.. even though i'm confident no one will be reading my blog, i still wish to do it just for my own sake. In like another 10 or 20 years time, i could read it back nostalgically and wonder, "how good if life could rewind, why the hell i'm still alive".
it's been ages since i blogged the last time, it was a biggest hit back then during my uni days. everybody was busy updating their blogs but now people are more into instagram, twitter, etc. i used to update a lot of status via my fb hoping that someone could at least care a little for me but i stopped it a while ago.
to start with a new beginning, i have deleted all the previous posts that i don't even remember what i posted seriously! nah.. mumbled too much i guess.
if i had stopped so long, why am i doing this again? oh.. tbh i'm just sorta bored and i tend to do that a lot.. being bored.. and being alone... it's kinda.. lifestyle i guess. people must be thinking that i'm lonely or what.. don't be silly! believe it or not, there are people like me who love being alone and not feeling lonely. i do feel lonely sometimes, when i'm not with my family. my family means my parents + my doggies.. i love them a lot. oh yea. i haven't introduced myself. i'm 30 and still single.. forever single 😃 you must be wondering, why is a 30 year old woman still sticking around with her parents and not living independently? you know, it's an asian culture, a lot of us do that. of course, for me i'm not following a culture or what.. simply because my mom, dad and dogs are all i care about now. this must be unusual for westerner.
oh gosh, i wish i could find a way to sharpen my language. i'm not usually good at english. my apologies if i did a lot of grammar mistakes and this write up seems to be lacking a lot of nice vocabulary. however, i do feel myself improved a lot compared to last time, i don't even dare to speak in front of everyone. i used to score poorly in primary and secondary school but i met a good lecturer in my pre-u. she's very passionate and a payer of compliments, no one ever compliments my english, she was the first. she encouraged me and made me more confident to be more outspoken but i didn't have the chance to thank her and i never met her again.. even worse, i'd forgotten her name. well, i will bring up another post to talk about how i learned and improved my languages.
i've been graduated for 8 years now, time flies. i halted my job seeking for half a year in the hope to continue my oversea study but somehow i was unable to go. this will be a new topic too. maybe i will update my story based on timeline ✌
anyways, i really wish to introduce more about myself and sharing more about my country malaysia. also, malaysian-chinese culture.. about my family and how we live together and our interactions.. even though i'm confident no one will be reading my blog, i still wish to do it just for my own sake. In like another 10 or 20 years time, i could read it back nostalgically and wonder, "how good if life could rewind, why the hell i'm still alive".
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